I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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