Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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