I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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