I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Randomize
