I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
zippers are such a cool invention
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Randomize
