just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
