i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
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