This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Randomize
