Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
