I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Randomize
