My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
She's the barista slut.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
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