I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
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