i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Randomize
