The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
