It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
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