youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
