R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
