Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
