I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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