I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
