omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
