i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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