Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
