Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Randomize
