I want to have your abortion
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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