my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
