you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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