obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
