New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
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