Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
