I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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