my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Randomize
