This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
