I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
