i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
