her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
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