Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
