he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
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