But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
