i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
