nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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