how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
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