Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
