The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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