he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
