My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
