I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
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