Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Randomize
