Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
