This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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